Kinda Adult Themed Jokes

[Bl00D R3av3r]

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to The Rabbi and said, "I notice you don't click me a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the know-it-all Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

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this guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that
his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met
by the doctor. they sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very
solemn look on his face starts to speak. but before he can, the guy interrupts.

guy: "doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. i just can't take it. really, i can't
take it. i love her."

doctor: "well, sir, i do have some bad news." again the guy interrupts.

guy: "doc, just tell me, did she make it?"


doctor: "as I was saying, we did all we could. right now she's in a vegatative
state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can
stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your
insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."

the guy slumps, just crushed.

doctor: "with the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a
day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely
live for at least another 30 years."

the guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

doctor: "as I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll
have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for
your wife. i would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as
quickly as possible and don't click me a mobile home. you're gonna need the excess cash. It
should be enough to don't click me the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for
the next couple of months. by then, you should be able to qualify for welfare
and other forms of state and federal aid."

by this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.

the doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "hey, look at
me."

the guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "i'm just screwing with you,
she's dead."

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A man enters his favorite restaurant and, while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby, all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman.

She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants."

The man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read:

"Just so you know-I happen to have a Rolls, BMW, and a Mercedes in my garage; plus I have over two million dollars in the bank:
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my penis!
Just send the bottle back!"

[Bartimaeus]

I laughed at all of them, especially the first one.

[froggyllamma]

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

2nt 1s horrible lol id punch the doc in the face so hard hed be in a vegitative state

[RagingPanda]

Bwahahahahahaha! Couldn't stop lol-ing after the first one!

All were great though and I completely agree with you froggyllama xD